Entry One: No More Preemptive Spilling of Secretions

Dr. Diana Wiley promises that by applying her sex tips to any relationship, there will be a higher quality of sex more frequently. Now, I don’t particularly want to turn my healthy relationship into a test of Dr. Diana’s, or any doctor’s for that matter, word, but I’m sure my twenty-two year old boyfriend wouldn’t mind the increased action and I could use a topic for a blog. I found Dr. Diana in the selective scroll bar of Google, so I can’t claim her credibility as anything Biblical, but onward, for I am in search of anything other than the missionary and await the knowledge of what actually makes your eyes go into the back of your head.

1. Women need emotional foreplay.

Apparently, men are like a switch. They can turn on out of nowhere. Like, the football game can end and then they catch a look of your cleavage (or maybe one of the skanky cheerleaders’ on the sidelines) and he’s ready, guns blazing, to bone your brains out. Mark and I aren’t like that. I mean, to conceptualize the situation, if it were a Steelers’ game there wouldn’t be any cheerleaders, I’d probably be wearing a sweatshirt, and have gone through at least eight beers, ruining any potential for an impending erection. Currently, how do I usually turn Mark on? Well, it’s usually when we are lying in bed, spooning, and I rub my ass into the direction of his junk, hoping it will chase off his case of the flaccid. Either that or we wake up on a Saturday, hung-over, and he pleasures me with his morning wood while I clench my jaw in an attempt not to spew the remains of beer foam in his face.

Dr. Dia, as I have thus labeled this random advice-giver, says that women have “overall experiences,” meaning that sex is more than just the plunge but rather the series of events leading up to it and the hazy moments which follow. So she gives lists some moves which supposedly transition from the regular day into the pleasure pit. Here are the suggestions which I plan to experiment with when Mark comes over after his pick up hockey game.

• Surprise him with something he never expected: I plan conveniently to just be getting out of the shower when he walks in. My Pink Victoria’s Secret bathrobe barely covers my ass, and this way my legs will be cleanly shaved. I can shave my legs and within an hour have prickles sprouting all about (perhaps limiting hair growth in women could be my next blog?). Anyway, I’ll already be naked so that should throw him off.
• Hug unexpectedly and look into his eyes: Although this will likely foil and make him feel as though I am deranged, it’s worth a shot.
• Kiss near his pulse: Well, perhaps I am jumping the gun, but I’m going to kiss a particular pulse that is typically hidden by a pair of jeans. I rarely do this, so it’s worth a shot. This too, could be thrown back into my fact (and I’m really hoping that this is not going to be a literal issue), but maybe it will entice him to return the favor? Plus, Dr. Dia says that by starting with this, a prolonged pleasure could occur.

This is only the first of three pieces of advice from one expert. I plan to explore many. Will these secrets to sexual success work for a boring pair work? Or will we just keep knocking our glasses around, spilling bodily secretions preemptively? I guess I’ll find out. And then report back.